Listening to the Radio
by zhakeena
Summary: First FF7 story... When you're in a car, and forced to listen to thought-provoking music, and you fell asleep, what the heck are you gonna dream about? Music Videos, of course! hope yer ready for a bit of unorthodox romantic comedy here, folks...
1. Cloud, Mandy Moore and Fairies

Listening to the Radio  
  
Chapter 1: Cloud  
  
Summary: a stupid story. Flame away.  
  
Disclaimer: Most certainly do not own anything, a'ight? Just my twisted horribly pink brain.  
  
Notes: May sound weird. Not used to making humor fics in prose. Used to script style.  
  
One day, the cast of FF7 (Sephiroth included) excluding Aeris who was dead, decided to go Road Trippin' for some odd reason. The odd reason would be to visit Aeris' underwater grave. (sniff..)  
  
"Road Trippin' with mah two favorite allies.." sang Cloud as he drove.  
  
"Shaddup, &*#$@$ cheese addict." said Cid Highwind, as all of you may have guessed.  
  
"Hey, I was just singing along with the song!" he protested.  
  
"Yeah, but you oughta sing at the right ^%$#@ key, ya ^%#@."  
  
The others (Tifa, Barret, Red XIII, Vincent, Yuffie, Cait Sith, Sephiroth) who are cramped at the back, groaned inwardly. This argument could go on for hours.  
  
"Hmph. At least I'm not the one FARTING every now and then in this cramped vehicle."  
  
"Watch yer mouth, ya @#$!...."  
  
"Hey, I've an idea! Why don't I drive? Then, you could argue at the back, and not put us all in danger of a possible car crash!!!!" said Tifa. also gives me a good chance to crash this car, just in case.  
  
"No way, if I have to be IN this road trip, I have to drive! Don't know why I'm in this in the first place, might as well CONTROL YOUR BLOODY FATE!" said Sephiroth.  
  
Red XIII meowed, or barked, or whatever, "Geez, I dunno. You're a villain, after all."  
  
"Yeah, what he said!" meowed Cait.  
  
"Exactly. I have a little friend here called the Masamune who would do the talking if I don't get my way."  
  
Yuffie hopped up. "Wow, it talks? Can I see?" The others sighed.  
  
Sephiroth rolled his eyes. "Great. Road tripping with lunatics. Mother should have let me use the Giant Lawn Mower summon.."  
  
"Hey, you're bluffing! It doesn't even have a mouth!"  
  
"Ya &^%#^^. Thash it, I'll drive!" With that, Cid violently threw Cloud at the back seats and grabbed the steering wheel. "Now shut your ^^$#^%^##$(&(*& potty mouths and be quiet!"  
  
Cloud landed ungracefully upon the snoring Barret. (Barret: OOF!) "Hmph. I get no respect around here." He then found a seat by the window, and stared at the sights. The others quieted down, by some miracle.  
  
(two hours later.)  
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
"No!!!"  
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
"NO!!!!"  
  
"Are we there yet?" said Yuffie, one moh time!  
  
"NO, ya %#%#$#@%#^&(*&($#@(*&#(*&&#(*&%&@&(*#%&&%(*&#@!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Cid H.  
  
"Hmph. GROUCH!" Yuffie pouted. "It's so boring in here!!!!!"  
  
"And you're not making it any better." muttered Vincent.  
  
"Hey, did you say something?" Yuffie asked.  
  
"Oh, nothing." "... can't we play some CDs? It's too *quiet* in here." said Tifa.  
  
"Ah, fine. just as long as it's not some &^$@#$ A Walk to Remember ^%$%^."  
  
"TOO Late!!!!" said Tifa, as she inserted A Walk To Remember sound track.  
  
"#@#$^$%!@$#%$%!!!!!!" said Cid as the stereo started humming Mandy Moore.  
  
By that time, Cloud felt himself getting drowsier. and drowsier..  
  
Cloud found himself in an auditorium. with a brown haired-woman sitting on the stage. He blinked like an idiot for some seconds. then widened his eyes when he realized that he was on the stage, too.  
  
"eep. what the hell am I doing here?!" he thought.  
  
Suddenly, everyone got silent. Then, a piano started playing. Cloud saw that Barret suddenly knew how to play the piano. He made a face.  
  
He looked at the brown haired girl. He noticed the elegant red dress, and recognized it.  
  
". AERIS?!" he screamed. But for some odd reason, his voice was muted.  
  
Aeris began singing.  
  
"There's a song that's inside of my soul. It's the one that I tried to write over and over again."  
  
Cloud made a dumbfounded face at her. The audience shot him weird looks. ".she sounds just like Mandy Moore!" he thought.  
  
Then, a little Cait Sith fairy appeared outta nowhere. "Of course, dontcha know that she did the voice of Aeris in Kingdom Hearts?"  
  
". wha?"  
  
"Oh. Whoopsie doodle!" then, the little Cait Sith fairy disappeared again.  
  
Cloud blinked. Then, he listened to Aeris again.  
  
"I'm awake in the infinite cold. But you sing to me over and over and over again."  
  
By that time, Aeris looked at Cloud and smiled. When the chorus began, she looked at the audience again. "So I lay my head back down. And I lift my hands and pray To be only yours, I pray, To be only yours, I know now, You're my only hope."  
  
Cloud said, "duuuuhh.." like an idiot. Then, he noticed Barret was REALLY good at the piano.  
  
". I must be dreaming." he thought.  
  
The little Cait Sith fairy appeared again. "Yah, sure yer dreamin'! Why'd you think I'm a fairy, eh?"  
  
". wha?"  
  
"Okay, I'm gone!" Fairy poofed to nowhere again.  
  
"Sing to me the song of the stars. Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again."  
  
Magical stars suddenly appeared. The audience was impressed. Cloud needed to go to the bathroom.  
  
"When it feels like my dreams are so far. Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again."  
  
Aeris sat beside Cloud. He gasped. He felt like he just reached puberty.  
  
"So I lay my head back down. And I lift my hands and pray To be only yours I pray To be only yours I know now You're my only hope."  
  
Aeris held Cloud's hands. (aawww.) Then, a Seifer fairy appeared with the Cait Sith fairy.  
  
"Puberty boy! Stop blushing! HAHAHA!!!!" said the Seifer fairy.  
  
"Don't mind him kid! Yer beautiful!" said Cait Sith. Then they disappeared again with a poof!  
  
".. wha?"  
  
Aeris continued. "I give you my destiny. I'm givin' you all of me. I want your symphony Singing with all that I am."  
  
Cloud was really, really wondering HOW Barret could play the piano like that.  
  
"Like I told ya kid, you was dreamin!"  
  
Cloud had a good mind to get a fairy extinguisher.  
  
"At the top of my lungs! I'm giving it back."  
  
Aeris walked to the center of the stage, then kneeled in fronta the people. kinda like her last moments alive. Cloud blinked like an idiot. kinda like in her last moments alive.  
  
"So I lay my head back down And I lift my hands and pray To be only yours, I pray To be only yours, I know now, You're my only hope..."  
  
"Hmm.... ooh."  
  
Cloud finally approached Aeris. Before they could reach each other in some dramatic moment, a shiny, leather-clad flying thing with a long katana (guess who? :D) jumped and stabbed Aeris.  
  
Dun dun dun!  
  
The audience gasped. Barret gagged in surprise. Cait Sith and Seifer went bean-eyed. Cloud's world went spinning.  
  
"duh. (ehem.) NOOOOOOO!!!!!!"  
  
Sephiroth smiled wickedly. He slid Aeris off in the most dramatic and neat way possible. Then, he started poking Cloud with it.  
  
"Yo, Cloud! Cloud! Cloud! Cloud!....."  
  
"Cloud! Cloud! CLOUD, WAKE UP YA %$#%#%^$%!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
". wha?" said Cloud.  
  
He woke up, and realized he was drooling all over the window.  
  
"If yer interested, git off the car and piss! This is our only pit stop! Unless I get decaffeinated again." said Cid as he slurped his Nestea. "ah. tea!!!"  
  
Cloud got off the van and walked towards the gas station's bathroom. "Man, that dream seemed so real." he then looked at Barret and Cait Sith, who are bickering by the Soda machine and unbeknownst to them, Yuffie, who is stealing their material and change. ". On second thought."  
  
a/n: Okay, if you liked my pathetic attempt to turn a serious event into a humorous one, review and I'll continue! 


	2. The one with Vincent and the zombies

**Listening to the Radio **

**Chapter 2: Vincent**

a/n: Okay, before I continue to ruin some things for ya, I guess I'd hafta thank the Flower Girl and Evilkitty, for being the first 2 reviewers. Thankies! 

Yeah. Once again, the disclaimer: I do not own anything. But. My. Diseased. Pink. Brain. And my lovely can of Ketchup Fries. Yamza! 

Other notes: This has some RE3 in it. If ya haven't played it yet, or have no intention of playing it whatsoever, I'm not sure if you'll understand this. And, sorry if the first chapter had errors when it came to the lyric part. I hope this one turns out a lot better!

The FF7 van thing was seen parked in Caltex with a miserable looking brunette dude muttering silently to himself, while some others were prancing about in the gas station. (guess who he was…) 

Vincent crossed his arm and claw over his chest. "I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life….." he thought, and at the same time, mumbling, "More… nightmares…. I cannot take it!!!!!" He stopped this after a while, then resumed after he caught a glance of Cid H. yelling at the clerk for "pissing in his tea". "Sigh… Lucrecia… what have I done to you to deserve this?" he asked. How that guy always seems to bring the subject unto Lucrecia, I don't know… too subtle. 

"Hey, guys, if you all are done, let's go!" he heard Cloud yell. Vincent then murmured again about "sitting beside a bear while listening to Mandy Moore…" 

(after 10 minutos…) 

Cid H. started the car. 

"Hey, how come you're driving again?!" Yuffie whined. 

"A-cause I'm the pilot, $#@* hippie!!!" he replied in a gentleman way. 

"Hmph. Just cause I like rainbows doesn't mean I'm a hippie…" 

"Let's just go!" Cloud said. 

They settled in for a while, then noticed a girl running up to them while yelling something. 

"Hey, you chumps know who that girl is?" Sephiroth said, pointing at the shouting girl with flowers. 

"No, but I think she wants to say something…" said Tifa. 

"You don't say…" Sephiroth said, sarcastically. 

Cloud saw the girl scribbling a note, then tying it to a rock. "Hey, Cid, stop the car!" 

"No! I ain't stoppin' it for some hippie sellin' flowers!" 

Barret saw the girl throw the rock. "Duck, ya foo's!" 

The rock crashed through the window. Fortunately, nobody was hit by the rock… well, maybe Vincent was, who wasn't listening to the others bickering about a flower girl with a rock… yes, he might be hit by the rock, on account that he fell unconscious… 

"GASP! Vince's been hit by a rock!" … you don't say. 

Sephiroth picked up the note. "Hmmm… 'To Silver haired guy, yer supposed to be dead… death to Mandy Moore… from The Flower Girl'…" 

Cid H. said, "&*^%! I'm not alone, after all!" 

"Yeah, Sephiroth, how come you're alive? We killed you, right?"  asked Cloud. 

"Uuummm… it's a secret…" 

SEPHIROTH's THOUGHT BALLOON: 

Sephiroth: Whaddya mean, I can't go to heaven or hell? 

Some heavenly dude: Since your life was so full of sins, shame and radical ambitions, you can't die till you do something humiliating. It's the only punishment we could think of. 

Sephiroth: Hmph. What humiliating thing do I have to do? I can't stand living with those rabid fan girls any longer…

SHD: Well, we figured that you should do a One-man Hamlet stage play, a music video by a song from Blink 182, and…  at least an hour of Chocobo Racing with Cloud. 

Sephiroth: Damn. That's more than one thing!

SHD: Too bad, _bishonen boy. Take it or leave it._

Sephiroth: After I do all those things, do I get to go to heaven? 

SHD: It depends… if you get us to laugh our chicken wings off. Which you can't eat, by the way. I can read your evil, twisted thoughts. 

Sephiroth: …d'oh! 

Red XIII broke Sephiroth's thoughts. "Hey, is Vincent still breathing?" 

Everyone (except the pilot) looked at Vincent. He was still alive, thank you very much. 

"Whoo! Close call! Let's listen to some sounds, shall we?" Before anyone could protest, Yuffie turned on the FM. This time, The Cranberries came out singing.  

"_Another head hangs lowly…" _

"Gyaaah! &*^%!!!!" With that, Cid Highwind switched the radio off. 

"Hey! I happen to like that song!!!!" Tifa protested. 

"Too bad! If I'm gonna have ta drive, it's gonna be in complete silence! Ya hear?! Crazy ^%$#..." 

"Hmph. Nobody forced you to drive…" muttered everyone else's brain… except maybe for Vincent's brain, which began to dream… stuff… 

Vincent moaned a little. He moderately opened his eyes and saw what he recognized to be… a dark, damp basement, with a buncha coffins at the side and one at the center. 

"… HOME!!!" he happily thought. But, his happy thought was disturbed, when he realized that it was completely bloody and full of decapitated bodies. 

"…. My GOD!!!" he shouted out loud. He straightened up and took a look around. Trying hard not to splatter his expensive never-rusting gold-plated boots with blood, he tiptoed across puddles and corpses. He almost stumbled clumsily, however, when he saw a pale woman… hanging from a massive cobweb, and staring blankly into space. 

He gaped at it. "damn. This isn't MY basement… is it?" he thought. Welcome to the world, Vince. 

Suddenly, the cobweb dropped some shiny thing. Vincent picked it up, being a curious rpg character and all. He saw that it was a gun. A gun with a nameplate on it, actually. 

"Jill Valentine… S.T.A.R.S. Member # 17732456… what the… VALENTINE?!" he said. He observed the woman again. Yup, short red or brown hair… scantily clad… with more guns strapped to her arms and legs… He concluded that this woman must be his descendant or something… (hey, she uses guns too…) or probably just stole his last name for the fun of it. But, as he was observing Jill, he can't help but notice the fact that a bass guitar was playing, louder and louder. Then, when it was loud enough for every idiot to hear, Jill suddenly looked up and started to sing. 

_"Another head hangs lowly_

_Child is slowly taken…" _

Before Vincent could scream out "Oh my lowrd a DEAD BODY is SINGING IN MY BASEMENT!!!!" (lowrd not misspelled…) he heard a low groan behind him. Then, not wanting to scream and ruin his poise, he just used Jill's gun to shoot its head clean off. But, his eyes widened when he realized that it was a zombie child… 

_"And the violence caused such silence_

_Who are we mistaken?..." _

Vincent contemplated on his past action. Before he could do anything else, silhouettes, or ghosts, or a great illusion of the dead members of the ShinRa (Pres., Rufus, Hojo, etc… ya know?!) appeared near the dead undead child, and laughed at both of them. Vincent was angered. Really angered. So, he shot the illusions silly. But, being illusions, the bullets went through them. Then, he saw them talking, without voices. Creepy.  

_"But you see, it's not me _

_It's not my family _

_In your head, in your head _

_They are fighting!..." _

Vincent turned to the singing S.T.A.R.S. member, whatever that is, and asked in a dramatic way, "Why?" He received a cool FMV as a reply. He saw a part of Jill's life flash before his eyes. He saw her running through ruins of a city that looked as advanced as Midgar, saw her fighting more zombies, saw her cursing "Umbrella", saw her fighting a tall zombie dude in Sephiroth clothing with a Spanish guy… 

"… man, maybe she IS my descendant…" 

"_With their tanks, _

_And their guns, _

_And their guns, _

_And their bombs, _

_In your head, in your head, _

_They are crying!..." _

Vincent, who was still gaping at the FMV that flashed, suddenly was befuddled by more roars behind him. He turned around and saw zombies, zombies and more of the same. Not knowing what else to do but to shoot, he shot. And frantically. But, nothing seems to damage those things. The zombies moved closer… and closer… 

… then was discombobulated by several grenades, gunshots and etc. by soldiers behind them. Vincent recognized the soldiers as ShinRa SOLDIERs. Others, he didn't recognize, but they had a round symbol stitched at the back of their uniforms. 

"We're here to save lives," they said. Then, they just left the basement, leaving a trail of blood behind them. 

_"In your head, in your head,_

_Zombie"_

Vincent held his head. "That must be it; I must be dreaming… more nightmares… I can't TAKE IT!!!!" he suddenly had the urge to hiss, and growl, and he swiped at the new recruit zombies with his claw. More and more undead citizen appeared, till he was completely surrounded. He felt desperate. 

He expected that he would turn into one of his beast forms, but no. He was still the same old scrawny Valentine. Too bad, really. He looked back at the hordes of those smelly things, and saw himself, along with the Galean Beast, the Hellmasker, the other one (I can't remember! .) and Chaos, with the zombie crowd. 

_"What's in your head, in your head_

_Zombie!_

_Oh…"  _

Suddenly, the zombies stopped. They just… stopped. Vincent raised an eyebrow at them. "What the hell is going to happen now?" he thought. He had to ask. 

A really really large zombie wearing Sephiroth's clothes (okay, it was sort of different in design, but it's black, has a skirt thing and is leather!) jumped in front of Vincent, roaring like there was no tomorrow, with icky disgusting tentacles sprouting here and there. This caused the clawed man to scream bloody hell (but, for some strange reason, not like a little girly man) and to shoot wildly and spontaneously. 

The really really large zombie roared, screamed and fell down on his knees. (I know, faulty parallelism… heck, I don't know!) While he, or it was struggling to not bleed purple blood, the thing suddenly morphed into someone Vincent knows very well. Sephiroth. 

The morphed Sephiroth looked up at him, hissed, and died. Vincent looked at it, and watched as it vanished. He looked up at the Jill thing… and saw that she was laughing. Evilly, at that. 

"You…" before Vincent could make another blow with his claw, he saw that Jill morphed too-into Lucrecia. 

"OH MY GOD!!!" he screamed. Lucrecia thing looked up at him, pain etched in her features. Then, she morphed into another woman-I think- Jenova. 

Now, this really creeped Vincent out of his wits. He stumbled backwards, his head hitting the floor. A thousand voices blended horribly in his head. Then, he saw a blurry, flying Cait Sith thingie. 

"Hey, Vince, wake up!!!" it said. Then, Cait the fairy slapped Vincent's face repeatedly. 

"Vincent! VINCENT!!!!!!" 

"Huh? Wha….?" 

"Wake up! You're starting to drool!!!! On my shoulder, even!" 

He blinked furiously, and recognized Yuffie was yelling at him for misplacing his saliva on her shoulder. The others laughed. 

"… Where are we? We're not in my basement, are we?" 

"Of course not, you &($#@* drooling yerk! We're on the road!" 

Vincent rubbed the side of his head. 

"Yo, Vince, you all right? Did the nightmares finally get ya?" asked Cait Sith. 

"No, you nasty fairy. Must you torment me even in my sleep?" 

This response got everybody else confused, especially Cloud, who dreamt of the stupid fairy too. 

a/n: This turned out to be one horrible music video than a humorous one.

So, did you like it? Hope the RE3 reference didn't confuse you and all… 

Leave a review on yer way out! ^_^ 

  


	3. Daddy Wasn't There sort of

Listening to the Radio

Chapter Three: Seph Goes Goldmembah!

a/n: Okay, most of the story has got nothing to do with radios, but bear with me. I think it is still funny though. So I guess that makes it worth reading! *ihopeihopeihope.....*

_______________________

The so-called heroes of the planet and one super-cool silver haired dude continued their enjoyable and just quite nice ride in the middle of nowhere. Everyone was actually having a good time. 

"THIS SUCKS ASS!!!" yelled Yuffie. 

.... Okay, so maybe not all of them are having a good time.

"For once, she's right. This is quite an unenjoyable experience..." Red XIII said, nodding his head. 

"What do you mean, for once?! I'm always right! And this really sucks ass!" she yelled again. Everybody groaned. 

"You know Yuffie, this would me more bearable if you'd quit whining every 2 minutes." Vincent said. 

"Oh Shut up! I liked you better when you were quiet..." Yuffie muttered, pouting like a kid in her seat. "When are we there yet?" 

"Well, according to the map, we should be near the Gongaga National Park, so..." Tifa opened the map. The REALLY large map. It got into the driver's seat, so... 

"*&#(@#&%#&#*!!!!!!!!!!!" Cid H. yelled, sending the vehicle in motion to motion even more violently. 

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEKKK!!!!!" yelled Cloud. The others forgot to scream, as they stared at their screaming.... uh.... leader. Right. Leader. So only Cloud screamed like a girly man when they hit a tree. CRASH went the tree and car. 

"Dammit!" Cid said, jumping out of the car which was smoking rather unpleasantly. "This dent is gonna have ta stay in this %^#$ for a &*%$# looong time........" 

"AW, man! That's it, I am sooo...." Yuffie stopped when Sephiroth cast Silence on her. The others applauded. 

"Don't worry, foo'. I know how ta fix them cars. Gonna get us outta dis place in a jiffy," Barret said, hopping out of the trunk. (he was too big for the seats, apparently.) 

"For the meantime, what'll we do in this park?" asked Red XIII. 

"Well, we could..." Tifa trailed off when Sephiroth started jumping up and down in excitement. He never managed to lose his really really cool I'm-an-evil-silver-haired-dude-with-a-Masamune poise, though. 

"OOOH! OOH! OOH! DUCKS!!!!" Sephiroth shouted, pointing at the pond full of white-feathered swimming things called Ducks. 

ZOOP went everyone's heads as they looked at the ducks Sephiroth was referring to. Everyone raised an eyebrow, except for Cloud, who hit his head earlier. Actually, he was just standing there, going, "Baaaah....."

".... Uh.... what about ducks?" Vincent asked, finally. 

Sephiroth turned to them with an evil, maniacal i-eat-ducks-for-breakfast look. "Ehehehe.... I live for terrorizing ducks..." he said in an even more evil, maniacal i-eat-ducks-for-breakfast manner. 

Everyone but Cid and Barret gulped. 

Before anyone could say anything, Sephiroth started to chase the ducks and wave his Masamune in a weird manner, being an expert at THAT. He also began to laugh like an evil hyena who ate lots of underpants. The kind old ladies who used to feed the ducks gasped and tried to hit Sephiroth with their walking sticks. But nobody stopped him, no. He continued still to terrorize the poor ducks. 

"QUACK QUACK QUAAAARK!" screamed the ducks. 

"GYAHAHAHAH! HEAR DUCKY DUCKY DUCKEEE!!!!!" 

"OH NO! He's starting to laugh like Heidegger! Whatdowedo?!?!?!?" screamed Tifa. 

"BAAAH!" yelled Cloud. 

Red XIII began to do whatever dog-cats do when they're nervous or panicky. "Uh.... I dunno!" he meowed/barked/whatever. A running duck hit him on the face. 

Yuffie jumped up and down in panic. 

Vincent sighed in frustration, then took out a shiny green thingamabob from his cape. "SLEEP!" he said. 

Sephiroth still went on with chasing the ducks. A green 'MISS' appeared over his head. 

"Baaah... Sephiroth wears pwetty pink ribbon!" Cloud said. Vincent said, "Damn!" 

"DUCK DUCK GOOSE! DUCK DUCK GOOSE!" Sephiroth screamed in the background. Policemen began to chase him in speedboats. 

"Okay, foo's! Da car's fixed! Git on!" The others gladly obliged. "What's wid da momma's boy?" Barret asked. 

"He's duck-crazy!" answered Tifa. 

Cid H. lit up a cigarette. "Well, round the $#@% up, we haven't got all day!" Hmm. Seemed relaxed enough. 

Barret thought for a moment, then said, "CID! Hand me da secret weapon!" he said. 

".... Secret Weapon?" asked everyone else but Yuffie (who was silenced), Cloud (who turned into an idiot), Sephiroth (who was chasing ducks) and Cid (who knew what the secret weapon). 

"Ya sure, *&%$?" asked Cid. 

"Yeah, I'm sure, foo'. Now, give it!" Barret seemed dead serious about it. 

"Whatever ya say." Cid just said, grabbing something from the glove compartment and throwing it at Barret. The thing seemed like... well... 

.... a jumbo can of Pork & Beans.

Barret opened it (well, he shot the top down with his gun-arm...) and gulped down the contents in one fluid motion. Tifa, Red, Yuffie and Vincent stared in awe. Barret licked the last of the beans from his mouth. 

"... OK, foo's, STAND BACK!" he said, his stomach gurgling. Everyone but Cloud yelled and hid for cover. Before anyone else knew it, Barret bent over, his buttocks facing the pond. Then, a horribly LOUD sound emanated from the bear. 

PHRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT! (WHOHM!) went the buttocks. 

Everyone at the pond---the policemen, the old ladies, the ducks, the fish, the insects, the moss, the seaweeds, and Sephiroth--- stopped instantly and fainted. Some ducks even died of the stink. 

Slowly, Tifa, Red, Vince, Yuffie and Cid peeked out of wherever they were hiding. Cloud was, miraculously, still standing and going, "Baaah...." Barret looked around proudly and looked at the destruction he wreaked. 

"Hah! I pity da foo' who thunk dat he couda wit'stood da stank!" he guffawed. 

"Woooh-keeey.... How's Seph?" Tifa asked uneasily. Yuffie sort of silently hopped to the pond full of dead ducks and fish floating pathetically at the surface. (well, she can't talk, but she was making a loud sound while romping about.) She hopped even more and pointed by the reedy part. 

Vincent and Cid ran towards the reeds, and found what seems to be a tanglement of moss and way-kewl-but-certainly-unhygienic silver hair. Luckily, there were still air bubbles, so, yes, Sephiroth is still alive, thankyouverymuch. 

"The $#@%'s still alive!" Cid confirmed, as had this author a few moments ago. Well. The remaining conscious ones cheered. (actually, they groaned, but I think that's about it.) 

"Okay, I guess... we better go now... before.... uh... mad policemen in helicopters attack us for polluting the park..." said Red XIII uneasily as he hopped to the now-fixed van. 

"Damn right!" said the others, except Cloud and Yuffie, for reasons I had repeatedly repeated to the audience so much that they are hurling at hearing them.

***

A van is seen driving casually away from the park, just as mad policemen in helicopters attack suspicious survivors in the polluted aforementioned park. Inside it, everyone sighed a breath of relief, as Barret was now stink-free. Well, maybe except for Sephiroth who was unconscious for inhaling too much fart. 

"Hey, look at his eyelids! I think he's dreaming!" Yuffie announced. 

"Wow, as if anybody $#%^# cares!" Cid H. grunted. 

"Baaah.... maybe he's dreaming of an inevitable and indestructible and evil and twisted and inhuman plan to take over the world and to destroy all human kind..." Cloud said. 

Everyone stared at him. 

"... or dreaming of singing with Ming Tea in Goldmember... baaaah...." 

"Oh." Then everyone resumed to their usual business, as Sephiroth snored. 

***

Sephiroth, somehow knowing what he was doing, shashayed to the stage, wearing an Austin Powers get-up thingy: Ya know, the glasses and that weird blue suit with the ruffles. 

Wait, cancel that, he's just wearing his usual Sephy clothes and everybody was happy. His audience applauded. 

"Thank you! Now this song goes out for that... guy in the science lab... thingy." he announced. Ming Tea (which was actually composed of the FF7 gang... hey, work with me here!) was behind him, in flashy costumes and whatnot.

"Ya mean Rufus ShinRa?" a random guy asked. 

"NO! That other guy." 

"oooh." With that, the audience clapped, as Sephiroth began to sing in an English accent... 

_Daddy_

_Daddy wasn't there_

_Daddy_

Aw yeah! This is soo gonna be good. Sephiroth smiled at the people. Fangirls (and some fanboys) stared at him in disbelief. 

_Daddy wasn't there, to take me to the fair_

_It seems he doesn't care_

_Daddy wasn't there_

Hojo went in and spat at Sephiroth's shoe. Fangirls and boys gasped and attacked the crusty old guy. He went on singing:

_Daddy_

_Daddy wasn't there, to change my underwear_

_It seems he doesn't care_

_Daddy wasn't there_

Everybody seen flashbacks of the weird twisted things Hojo did to Sephiroth when he was a kid. You know, the stuff that made Sephiroth into the evil guy. Sigh. Anyways he continues:

_When I was 1st baptised_

_When I was critized_

_When I was ostrized_

_When I was jazzicised_

_steak__ and kidney pies_

_one__ hour martinized_

_When I was cir-cum-sized _(I can see most of you smiling!) *gasp*

_Daddy wasn't there_

Sephiroth gave a pitiful look. People went 'awww'. But, a lot of them had a hard time, maybe because of picturing the… uh… Jewish act. 

Yeah, whatever… A scene wherein Sephiroth was coming home from killing Aeris was seen, and Hojo was there… Yeah. 

Hojo: Whaddya want? You already killed my specimen, that's all the bloodshed ya needed, right? 

Sephiroth: Bloodshed? I needed a father! 

Right. Back to the singing stage with all the disco lights and that 70's or 60's or 50's feel or whatever. Sephiroth was about to continue singing, when from the crowd, a guy in a labcoat with blonde hair snatched the mic and sang, in his own Brit accent:

_When I was 1st baptised_

_When I was critized_

_When I was ostrized_

_When I was jazzicised_

_steak__ and kidney pies_

_one__ hour martinized_

_When I was circumsized_

_Daddy wasn't there, to take me to the fair,_

_To change my underwear_

_Daddy wasn't there!!!!_

Whoo. Rufus ShinRa sang along. Who'da thunk?

_**Daddywasn'ttherePEACE!!!!** said Seph and Ruf in unison. The crowd went, "Whoo!" _

And so it was:

Seph and Ruf: _If you've got a daddy issue,_

Hojo and Pres. ShinRa: _Here's a daddy tissue!_

Seph and Ruf: _D to the A to the DDY_

_D to the A to the DDY_

_They say it's just a fad,_

_But I've got a dead beat dad! (Pres. ShinRa: HEY! … Rufus: Hah!)_

_D to the A to the DDY_

_D to the A to the DDY_

_I sit in my room and cry (Hojo: No ya don't, you lousy specimen-ofa-son! … Sephiroth: SHUT UP, DAD!)_

_And ask myself the reason why_

_D to the A to the DDY_

_D to the A to the DDY_

_*Daddy*_

_*Daddy*_

_*Daddy*_

_D-A-DD-Y _

"_—Peace!!!!" went Sephiroth and Rufus as the fanboys and girls of the world clapped their pudgy boney hands. _

Just as the applause was getting louder, and Sephiroth was feeling ever-so-shaggadelic, Hojo knocked him out by hitting a side of beef at the back of the head. He collapsed on the stage, with Ming Tea, Rufus, and the fangirls and boys looking down at him with wonder…. 

~*~

"Baaaah…." Ooh. Faint voice. Wonder where it came from?

Sephiroth's eyes fluttered open, and he saw the rest of the group also comatosed. Except for Cid, that is. Well, no wonder. All of the Austin Powers VCDs were already watched, (there was that little TV that could be installed in vehicles. Ya know, those that play VCDs.) and all that was left was _The Sound of Music. _

Sephiroth blinked in confusion. Was he singing in a blue suit and acting all shaggadelic or something? He was about to get up, but Cloud, who was asleep next to him, was leaning on his shoulder, drool about to drip sloooowlyy….. 

"… HRAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he screamed, pushing Cloud offa him, and waking everybody else up. Cloud could only utter a lame, "—bah?" before his head went on Yuffie's lap, getting drool all over it. 

"EEEEW! Grossness!" Yuffie whined, pushing Cloud back. 

"Wha… Where have I been?..." Sephiroth said slowly. 

"… You were at the park, chasing ducks. Then Barret knocked you out with fart. Then we drove off, and watched all three _Austin Powers. Then, we all fell asleep listening to, 'Doe… a deer! A female deer!'" explained Red XIII, perfectly mimicking the girly voice. _

"…. Wow. Shaggadelic!" 

Everybody stared at him. 

"Sorry. Hangover." He muttered, then relieved his Masamune of duck feathers.  

"Hmph. &#((&#%&(#$....." said Cid, and drove on faster. It was gonna be a looong journey, still.

Unbeknownst to them, far away in ShinRa HQ, a disgruntled President in the hospital wing screams at his flunkies to burn all the _Austin Powers DVD's or VCD's they can get their hands on._

______________________________________________________

Gosh. That was longer than expected. And most of it was about ducks. 

Hope you enjoyed that. And, oh, if ya want, suggest the next character to be tortured in a refined, musical manner! 

Read and review, please. 

à zhak


	4. Blue Notes, perhaps? and a durn long cha...

Listening to the Radio 

by: zhakeena

Chapter 4: Blue Notes, perhaps? 

a/n: this is a warning! if thou cannot accept a somewhat unorthodox pairing, or is somewhat narrow minded when it comes to the subject, i think that you might want to hack me with a coupla Hyperions after reading this! (curious?) Oh yeah, "Don't Know Why", "Miss You Love", and "Tangerine Speedo" do not belong to me.... And, yeah, this one's about Tifa this time.... 

___________________________

_... Waited 'til I saw the sun..... Don't know why I didn't come... hummed the radio. _

"... Are we there yet?..." Yuffie moaned for the 123rd time. 

"For the last *&$#in' time, no, goddamit!" Cid H. replied. 

The others mumbled something under their breaths through half-closed annoyed eyes. Maybe bringing Cid and Yuffie was a bad idea after all. Too bad they realized this in the 4th chapter... 

"Why d'you have to bring me?! This is the most... most... boringest thing you mooks ever planned!!!" Yuffie whined. 

"First of all, baaah, you forced yourself into this thing, baah!" Cloud said, not yet recovering from the car crash. 

"No, I didn't..." Yuffie muttered. 

"Yeah, well this sounds familiar? 'OOH, you're gonna go visit Aeris? Bring me bring me bring me bring meeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'" Sephiroth said in a horrible Yuffie-esque voice, along with a nasty rendition of her face.

Yuffie pouted. "No, I did not sound like that! And---" 

Red XIII cut her off. "Second of all, 'boringest' is not a word..." 

"Bah! You're all against me!" 

"Like &$%(#! we are!!!" Cid said. (hey, say 'Cid said' 10 times in a row for bragging rights!) 

"At least Vince, Cait and Tifa are on my side!" 

Barret said, "Whut 'bout me, foo'?" 

"I already know you're against me too. Old men stick together," Yuffie said. 

"HEY, $#%^@!!!!" Barret and Cid said at the same time. 

"Hmph! So, Vinnie, you on my side, right?" Yuffie said, bright eyes looking up at Vincent. 

Vincent looked at her coldly before turning away and simply saying, ".... No." 

"AW, c'mon, play along!!!" she whined, as Cloud, Red and Sephiroth laughed. 

"Sorry, I'm just not on anyone's side..." he muttered before looking at his seemingly interesting window. 

"Hmph. What about you, Cait? You're not with the old men too, are you?" Yuffie asked. 

"Sowee, I decided to be a Chesirian!!!!" Cait said as Moggy nodded. 

"A what?" Sephiroth asked. 

"A Chesirian. A follower of the Chesire Cat's sacred teachings of catty peace and cattiness," Cait proudly explained. 

"Damn, that Reeve can make $h!+ up...." Cid muttered. 

"Hmph. How bout you, Tiffy?" Yuffie asked, turning to Tifa. Then she saw that Tifa looked as if she was dreaming something sober. 

She was muttering stuff about pianoes, 7th heaven, bar, stuff.... 

"Tifa? Where are you?" Yuffie asked, waving a hand in front of her face. The others blinked. 

"Baaah... she's sleeping with her eyes open, baaah....." Cloud said. 

".... huh?/ what?/ Wtf?!" asked the crew. 

"Sleeping with her eyes open? ... Enlighten us," Red XIII said. Cloud blinked, obviously not getting it. 

Sephiroth grunted before saying, "Explain...." 

"Oh! Baaah, she learned how to sleep with her eyes open, baaah. She had to live in the slums before, baaah. This is a way for her to be alert of thieves, rapists, murderers, megalomaniacs and old fat men with hairy backs, baaaaah." Cloud explained. 

"... Yeah, but, she's asleep!" Cait said. 

"She be foolin' them suckas, foo'!" said Barret. 

".... Ooooooh...." said the others, finally getting it. Then they just went on with bickering as Tifa slept on.... 

***

"Ladies and gentlemen, Tifa Lockheart," said somebody from somewhere in the 7th Heaven. The audience clapped as Tifa went onstage in her stage clothes. ('Stage clothes' means something a musician would wear if she would play in a bar... so hopefully, it isn't her scanty clothes, pervs!) 

Tifa smiled at the audience, and the spotlight stayed on her for quite a time. She looked around; the 7th Heaven isn't just the dingy bar in the Sector 7 slums, anymore. Now, it's a classy bar with tunes and booze in the Sector 7 bars, but isn't so dingy anymore. 

"... Good evening, and thank you. For your entertainment tonight, I'm gonna play some tunes on the piano... so hope you enjoy." She said. Then, she walked towards the piano in the center of the stage. Cloud on the guitar, Barret on the drums, and Vincent on the bass guitar were in some corner of the stage.

She tucked some of her hair behind her ear before she pressed the keys. A familiar tune filled everyone's ears. Then, Cloud, Barret and Vincent joined in playing that soft tune. She looked at the audience and saw, among others, her gang (Aerith/Aeris, Cid, Cait Sith, Red, Yuffie, Sephiroth), the ShinRa emps (Reeve, Heidegger, Scarlet, Hojo, Palmer), the Turks (aw c'mon, you know them!!! Tseng, Reno, Rude and Elena), and a black panther, presumably Dark Nation. Hmmm, who's missing? 

Tifa began to sing, 

_"I _

_Waited 'till I saw the sun _

_Don't know why I didn't come _

_Left you by the house of fun _

_Don't know why I didn't come..." _

As she sang, she could almost feel the listeners groove their heads [?] along with the song. Her mind zoned out, though, because suddenly she found herself on a cold day at a beach. (not in a bathing suit, mind you! At least, not yet. Just wait, pervs.) Uh... significant thingy.... Oh, Cloud was there. 

Cloud looked at her. Then he held out his hand. Maybe... he wanted to walk with her? Tifa didn't take it, though.

Suddenly, she found herself standing there.... all by herself.... And that she was barely seeing Cloud and Aeris walking away from a distance... together.... 

_"When I saw the break of day _

_Wished that I could fly away..."_

Tifa was dumbfounded, sort of... She followed them from a distance.Then, she got a sandy rock from the ground... and threw it at the sea. She saw the sun rising. 

_"Instead of kneeling in the sand _

_Catching teardrops in my hand" _

She decided to not follow them, and just kneel on the sand and watch them. Tifa saw them laughing together. Seems like Cloud is having a good time with Aeris... She suddenly felt that lump in her throat. 

_"My heart is drenched in wine…"_

Back at the bar, Tifa sang those lines _with more feeling. (wonder if it makes a difference, though.) The guitarist, the drummer and the bass guitarist went, "__oooooh__……" (imagine that… Vincent going __ooooh__… ehehehe….)_

_"But you'll be on my mind_

_Forever" _

Camera close-ups on Tifa's fingers. Then, it just suddenly warps back on the beach! (duuude… visualizations are so hard to write…) 

_"Out across the endless sea _

_I would die of ecstasy" _

Tifa walked along the dunes. They were slightly moist, and the morning was quite cold. She took one look at Cloud and Aeris again, (who were both acting all lovey-dovey…. Awww!) and she felt herself burning up again. 

"Nonono, you're not the type to be jealous, Teef…" she said to herself. Then, she looked at the sea again, and she wished that she was just like that, able to go from one place to another in no time, so that she could just teleport out of there when awkward times like these happen… Grunting, she just hopped in her car (a BMW… how she got a car on the beach or how she learned how to drive, I don't know… it's a mystery!)

"_But I'll be a bag of bones _

_Drivin__' down the road along" _

In her car, Tifa clicked on the radio and sang along with Norah Jones. Back at the bar, she sang the rest of the song, and Cloud, Barret and Vincent went "_ooooh__…" again… _

_"My heart is drenched in wine…" _

She looked at the audience, who listened with half closed eyes, and gently sipping their wine. (imagine Reno, Rude, Palmer or Cid do that! *shudder* der doike ees leekingg!) 

_"But you'll be on my mind _

_Forever…" _

For a few seconds, the camera focuses on Tifa's fingers working on the piano keys. Then, (for some reason, out of her car) she watched Cloud walk away, with his arm over Aeris' shoulder. Then, for some reason, she found herself sadly smiling. 

"You know what, Tifa? They just… match," she said to herself.

"_Somethin__' has to make you run _

_Don't know why I didn't come _

_Feel as empty as a drum _

_Don't know why I didn't come _

_Don't know why I didn't come _

_I…"_

"Feel so alone… but don't worry, Aeris. He's all yours… You two are just too… perfect…" The, she walked away…..

_"Don't know why I didn't come…" _

She finished up her song with panache. The audience clapped, accompanied by a few whoots and whoos by Reno, Cid and Sephiroth. (?!?!?!?) 

Tifa tucked some of her hair behind her ear once more, and beamed at the audience. Suddenly, on top of her piano…. A set of white teeth with fangs appeared. 

She gasped in surprise. Then, she watched as it materialized into a grinning Cait Sith with purple striped wings. "… Cait Sith?"

"Noo, the Cheshire Cat, actually," grinned Cait Sith. "Sick of it, yet?" 

"Wha… wha?" Tifa stammered. "Oh, I'm just here to bring a little bit of color in your life, Teef!" said Cait. Tifa concluded that Cait was possessed and cannot be possibly controlled by Reeve. 

"Oh? What? How?" Tifa said in confusion. 

Cait rubbed his catty chin. "Hmm… Time to dream of another person, Tifa!" he said, snapping his claws together. Then he disappeared. 

_"Millionaires say _

_Got a big shot deal _

_And thrown it all away, but…" _

A voice from one side of the stage sang. 

Tifa looked at that side of the stage, also noticing that the audience and her band were oblivious to what's happening. Except for Dark Nation, who jumped on the stage and watched. (can you guess who the singing guy is, now?) 

_"But I'm not too sure _

_How I'm supposed to feel _

_Or what I'm supposed to say, but…" _

Tifa walked a few steps closer to the singer. Then, out of the shadows of the stage… 

Came out Rufus ShinRa, alive and singing Silverchair's _Miss You Love… (oh, the shock.) _

_"I'm not, not sure _

_Not too sure how it feels _

_To handle everyday _

_And I miss you, love…" _

"… Rufus?!" Tifa managed to say. Dark Nation purred knowingly. [?!?!?!]

_"Make room for the prey _

_Cuz__ I'm coming in _

_With what I wanna say, but _

_It's gonna hurt _

_And I love the pain _

_A breeding ground of hate, but…" _

"[Wow, what a voice!] Rufus! Rufus!!!" Tifa said. But it looks like Rufus has no intention of stopping… 

_"Remember today _

_I've no respect for you… _

_And I miss you, love _

_And I miss you, love…" _

"RUFUS?!" Tifa practically screamed. Rufus looked at her, and the music instantly stopped. 

"… Yes?" he asked, as if nothing was wrong. 

"Uhm… do you realize… What you're singing? And who you probably are singing it for?" Tifa asked, with a sort of freaking out voice. 

"Well… yes, I am, Tifa," he said, flipping his hair, much like he does every time you see him. "And, I'm quite aware that I'm singing for you." 

"But… but…" Tifa stammered. She stopped though, when he suddenly held her hands. 

"Why, Miss Lockheart? Is it so strange, so wrong to sing a song for you?" he asked, his eyes still cold. (droohoohoohoohool…) 

Tifa was at loss for words. Then, Cait Sith appeared behind Rufus' shoulder, raising his eyebrows teasingly. "Hi, Teef. Enjoying this dream so far?"

"As a matter of fact, it's all getting too awkward, MAKE IT STOP!" she said through gritted teeth. 

Cait Sith pretend-thought for a while, then reappeared beside Tifa. "OK, this oughta wake you up!" he said, and disappeared again. 

"_AND CHA-CHA-CHA!!!" went the Turks, suddenly snapping out of their trance. Tangerine Speedo suddenly went out of the speakers. _

_"Two-week vacation __Costa Rica__ see__ __America__!!! (shamanap-shamanap-yo yah!)" _

Tifa, not being able to take the male Turks dancing in tangerine speedos, fainted in there on the spot. 

*** 

"Shamanap, shamanap, yo-yah!" sang Cloud while Tangerine Speedo blasted in the vehicle's radio. 

"… Will somebody make that *&$%^ shut up?!" said Cid from the corner of his mouth. 

"Baaah, I'll have you know that my singing skills are one of the things I'm proud of, baaah." Said Cloud.

"Hey-hey! Looky! Tifa's eyes closed!" Yuffie said. 

Red XIII looked at his watch. (awww! Doggy/catty/whateverie paw watches!) "Hmm, an hour of sleeping with her eyes open… hopefully, she blinked. Or else her eyes should be dried up by the air-con air…" he explained. 

"….." 

Tifa suddenly opened her eyes WIDE OPEN with a "GASP!!!!" This startled everybody. 

"So, Teef, whaddya dreamt about? Was it nice?" sarcastically asked Sephiroth, while Tifa gasped for breath, trying to calm down, and while everyone else rubbed her back, or summat.

"(gasp) Cloud and Aeris… (gasp) beach… (wheeze) Seventh Heaven… (wheeze) Singing while piano (whoo!) Then Rufus, and the Turks, and Cait Sith, with the Cheshire Cat…." She said.. She noticed that NOBODY was getting what she was trying to say. 

"Oh… Never mind," she said, leaning back. Everyone else shrugged and sat back. "Oh, Cait Sith?" she said. 

"Yeah?"

"Please, I beg of you, never ever read or watch Alice in Wonderland?" 

"Oh? … All right, I guess.."

Tifa tried to calm herself down, before looking out the window. 

"… Rufus?" she thought to herself. 

___________________________

Bwahahah! Am evil. Am twisted. Am corny TO THE MAX!!!! 

So, you liked this addition? I should hope so, but odds are, most of you would want to burn this down with angry mob type torches… (but they are sooo welcome, though) 

Okay, as you may have figured out, I'm not really good in writing romance, so please, gimme some advice on that one… and please leave a review with the next one I should torture in a refined way with panache and the sound of music. 

à zhakeena (music minded and so slow on updates) 

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